I'm in higher spirits now

5 things I loved this week:

1. I was able to go back to the shop last week. Which is why I didn't post last Saturday and why this will probably be the last post of this series. I cannot even begin to express the feeling of being able to see my favorite people face to face. Also, I have a hard time finding meaning in my life when I'm not working with my hands on a regular basis and I'm so fucking grateful to have that outlet again.


2. I've started seeing a virtual therapist. I haven't had enough time to really access whether or not it's helped, but even if it's a placebo that's all in my head, I like it so far.


3. I've found an apartment to move in to and as long as things go according to plan, (I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but they're pretty high) I'll sign the lease on Monday.


4. This is kind of a tongue in cheek "I'm lovin' it" but I'm glad that I changed my alarm clock sound to something different to try and wake up earlier and then I slept straight through the new sound. (I actually didn't love that. That was a heavy spoonful of sarcasm for you.)


5. Look at this cool website abgbake.com

I'm in a bad mood

5 things I loved this week:

1.  I love having the biggest paper cut of my life on my middle finger.  I love not knowing where I got it from so I don't even know how to prevent it happening again.


2. I loved being too spineless and slow-thinking to stop the disabled guy that works next to the shop from hugging me. Before the shut down, when he saw me he expected a hug and I never minded because I had nothing to lose. Now, hugs have a different meaning. And I love being ashamed for becoming rigid like a board while he hugged me, instead of being a normal person and saying, hey I don't feel comfortable hugging you. 


3. I love looking for apartments to rent, but not being able to actually rent them because I am unemployed and you have to have proof of employment to rent. I love not knowing where my life is going.


4. I love the helpless feeling of not knowing how to help the ones I love.


5. I love feeling like my closest friend doesn't ever want to be close to me again. I wish I had fought harder at the beginning of this to keep being around them. I had spent every day with them up until that point. If I had it, then they had it. Now it's too late and they're treating me like I'm contaminated. 

I'm sleeping like I'm on 3rd shift

5 things I loved this week:

1.  When I was in college, I bought one of these Under NY Sky aprons for screen printing and one for ceramics and I loved them. Then when the pandemic happened, this company was the first one that sent me an email (because I was already on their email list) about them switching production to mask making. I bought some in black and they fit great, as expected.


2. King of Staten Island came out on demand Friday. I love the idea of all movies coming straight to the internet when they are ready to come out. Pete Davidson reminds me of someone I used to be close with so I have a soft spot for him. I don't know if I would really recommend everyone rent this movie, but it was something to do.


3. Some friends of mine participated in a t-shirt design campaign and my shirt came in the mail today. The print is really lovely in person. This gradient design is an impressive one because of the smallness of the dots, but all of the designs are really beautiful. And it's got a great message.
   
   
   


4. An oral history of Mad Max: Fury Road


5. My pothos is growing a new leaf and I'm pretty happy about it.
   
   
   

honey dijon

This week was a sorry week for finding things to love.

5 things I loved this week:

1.  The movie Late Night -- it's available on amazon prime. I truly adore Emma Thompson's acting and also Mindy Kaling can do no wrong.


2. The book The Hating Game by Sally Thorne -- One of those trope-y romance novels where the main characters hate each other then love each other. Possibly my all time favorite trope. I also love when a grumpy character is soft to one special person. 

The Only Things I Care About Are Food: A Memoir

5 things I loved this week:

1. S'mores
   

   

   
   


2. This website that ranks La Croix flavors in tiers. (My current favorite flavor is watermelon.)


3. These animal cookies.
   
   
   


4. The simple, undeniable beauty of boiled potatoes.


5. Jarritos are super good!
   
   
   

"It’s like I don’t know how to describe my feelings properly anymore. "

5 things I loved this week:

1.  One of the best things that's happened to me recently is when Alice sends me articles from the newspaper that I can't read because there's a paywall. This one's from when Ted was interviewed about sourdough. I hope I don't get sued for this.
   
   
   
   
   
2.  Adore You - Harry Styles ~ I love the story in the video.  I've been emotional about everything lately and this for sure made me teary. The superstition, the outcast, the big fish, the teamwork. 


3. James and the Giant Peach read by Taika Waititi and friends.


4. This beautifully written post by WITH's horn player.


5. I'm so happy for all of Canadian Bakin's success. They had a dope reddit thread recently. I miss baking bread.

Writing to a friend

I listened to a Tim Ferriss video recently (I'm currently obsessed with all things Tim Ferriss) where he talked about how much easier, and better, it was to write his book The 4 Hour Work Week, like he was emailing 2 of his close friends. He communicated through writing more effectively when he wrote directly to his friends.

That's the thing that I have used to write this blog for all these years. I say it all the time to her, maybe to the point of exasperation haha, but Rosh is the person I'm talking to when I'm typing here. At least that's who I try to keep in mind. Sometimes I forget and I'm just talking to myself, but those are still things I would probably say to Roshni anyway. I always like re-reading my writing more when I've written this way. I've usually edited them in a way that's conversational. And I'm nosey as fuck so conversations interest me.

Just a second ago, I finished writing an email to Caleb. I was sending him something from an Austin Kleon newsletter that I thought he'd enjoy. While I was searching through my email to see if I was using his correct email address, I re-discovered some emails from Selina. It's funny to me that this happened because in that thing that I sent Caleb, Kleon links to one of his previous posts called "more search, less feed" and from there he links to a post where he talks about his love of the search box, which I also have a lot of love for. And anyway, that all relates somehow.

I only have a fraction of the email conversations between Selina and I. It's also only the emails I sent. I have a few guesses as to why I only have a few and why they're only the ones I sent, but I don't actually have a true answer. My best guess is that at some point I was on a deletion spree and that was paired with having some feelings about our friendship and rather than dealing with the feelings, I made the emails disappear instead. I don't feel that way now, but time softens everything. I'm thankful to have the emails that I still have. They have a similar feeling to these blog posts. I was writing them to one person, a friend. 

*Notice that this was 13 years ago

*Turns out that everyone owns their firstname lastname email both with and without the '.'

*Reading about my crushes is always so cringe to me. I'm trying to be kind to myself, but god I sound like an idiot.

Because I love comparing and contrasting, here's what I've noticed.

• I used to type differently. For example, "ok" instead of "okay" like I do now(I found this out in the IMs from the email with IMs.). I also used to make a smile like "(:" instead of ":)" and I rarely capitalized my sentences or the letter 'I'. 
• I don't know where I picked it up, but I still love being creative with email sign offs.
• I'm still so weird.

bear with

I just found out yesterday that Tim Ferriss also produces a weekly list o' five called "5 Bullet Friday." So I'm def channeling Tim Ferriss right now.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Dolly Parton's America


2. Dippin' dots - I got them from a cupcake shop in Jville early this week.


3. Johnson's deli - I've pretty much decided to let them feed me for the rest of my days.


4. This shoe rack -
   


5. This shelf -
   
   

and other stuff

5 things I loved this week:

1.  This sunrise companion app that I downloaded has an alarm feature that  I've been using where it sets an alarm for an hour before the sun rises. I like it because I found myself floundering (more than normal) without a routine and I really felt guilty about waking up around 4pm and going to bed at 9am-ish. I've noticed that I rebel against waking up at the exact same time everyday because I pretty much think time is meaningless anyway so that kind of routine doesn't work for me very well. I like that the sunrise changes by just a little everyday. I have a window directly to the right of my bed and I'm on the second story of the house so when the alarm goes off I like to see what the sky is doing. I usually lay there for like 30 minutes, opening and closing my eyes to notice the shifts out the window. If some interesting color is happening, I've been physically getting out of bed to drive to the bypass to get a wider view of the sunrise. It's made me feel like a human again. (Instead of feeling like a swamp creature.)


2.  I listened to Abbi Jacobson's I Might Regret This and it was like I was hearing my own thoughts being read to me. I especially related to the chapter on Adult Concerns, which is conveniently in the google books review. I feel like that gives me permission to share here.
   
   


3.  Meg Lewis's comedy meditation podcast - Sit There and Do Nothing


4.  I am the biggest sucker for wildflowers. There's something about the beautiful chaos of them. These from a day when I went to watch the sunrise.
   


5. Sunday Best by Surfaces - My favorite part of the song is "Every day can be a better day despite the challenge/All you gotta do is leave it better than you found it."

*Honorable mention: Lost in the Supermarket - I really like grocery shopping and it's really heartbreaking to me what's happened and the negativity surrounding grocery stores right now. This is an honorable mention because I think the host is unnecessary. It would be a great show if it was just a person silently walking around a grocery store picking up random things, but I still really like watching what they've done and seeing what's inside grocery stores.

It's been a dull week

3 things I loved this week:

1. I live for comparing/contrasting. This is a good article: the best sriracha


2. The Mythical Kitchen has really been putting out some gems lately. I read recently that you shouldn't take advice from the experts because they can transform things that you wouldn't be able to do yourself because they're experts, but you should take advice from regular people because then you know what common mistakes are and how to avoid them. That's exactly what the crew from Mythical Kitchen have going for them. They're very relatable. I made 'eggs in purgatory' from this video. It's so good. It combines so many flavors that I love.
    


3. I watched Frank and Ollie because B/C have disney+ on the downstairs tv. I don't have access to it otherwise, and I don't really have any desire to because then it's like a little treat when I sit down to check out what's on there. I wanted to watch something while I was eating and I had never heard of Frank or Ollie and the little blurb was interesting. I discovered such a beautiful backstory on most of my most beloved animated movies. Frank Thomas reminds me of a California version of my Papaw.

Films

I love lists.

I watched this Jack Howard video where he describes his favorite movies. You know how youtubers do, they ask a question at the end of their video to get you to interact with the comment section, & Jack asked "What're your favourites?" It got me thinking.  Also, Rhett & Link made a 'top ten favorite movies' video. So I've been trying to figure out the ones I like most. I'm thinking about them in terms of movies I could watch every day.

Anyway, here's my list:

1. A Lot Like Love
2. Stranger Than Fiction
3. The Sword in the Stone
4. The Fifth Element
5. Matilda
6. The Decoy Bride
7. The Nice Guys
8. Bridget Jones Diary
9. O Brother Where Art Thou?
10. School of Rock

Honorable mentions

Mad Max: Fury Road

Superstar

Big Daddy

Space Jam

Dead Poets Society

Blade Runner 2049

The Cable Guy

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Lady Bird

Bridesmaids

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

exactly how we want this to feel

5 things I loved this week:

1.  Grace and I are kindred spirits evidently. This Grace Helbig video really says everything I'm thinking right now, like everything... especially the first part where she talks about watching West World. I also recently started West World bc my mom gave me an hbo login and I was interested in the premise of West World. Reality is a joke. Funny and serious and ridiculous at the same time. Because I am so good at absorbing the ideas of another, I came to the conclusion that I can't watch West World unless I have a sounding board of another person to watch it with & since I'm so late to the West World party, plus I'm going to be alone forever so, I'll probably never finish this show.


2. Advice for all ages


3.  Give and Take by Adam Grant - Just started reading it this week and it's already one of my favorite self development books. Spoiler alert- It's helping me feel justified for already valuing giving as a concept and also helping me think about being more intentional about giving. 


4. Made gluten free vegan cookies with vegan royal icing. They turned out decent.
   
   



5. This

I forgot again

Okay so new habits take time to set in. Give me a break. Pretty please.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Ologies podcast really slapped this week. It was on kissing. Very fascinating. I love kissing. In fact, that was my goal for 2020. 







2. I've been watching and listening to a lot of Lewis Howes this week. I was just now watching this video right here and the guest said something that resonated so deeply that I wanted to add it to my recent "about me" post and then that's how I remembered about this weekly fiver. That episode is actually very, very good. James Sexton makes a point about how marriage is neither good or bad and it's a technology that can be used to suit specific people. I also found it interesting that he said most people are entering into this contract not knowing what they're signing up for. Do you know what legally the marriage agreement entails? And if most people are willing to talk about what they're signing up for and potential outcomes, most people will be better off. Really the whole video can be summed up by saying that relationships will be better off if we pay attention and talk about it with the other person in the relationship, whatever "it" is. 


3. Another good podcast episode (I've been consuming a lot of content, okay) - Abbi Jacobson on Creative Pep Talk


4. Here are some cool factz about sugar.


5. My brother is pretty funny sometimes.
   

bingo bongo

There's a video that a good friend has sent me a few times, that I think of often.

This is the one. (It's called Loner Motivational Video, haha) It is a really powerful sentiment, and the video is made in such a way that's really electrifying. When I first watched it, I flinched against the title of the video. Flinching usually means I need to dive deeper. Loneliness and being a "loner" are still ideas that I'm wrestling with. I connect with a different part of the video with every additional viewing. Recently it's been "invent yourself and re-invent yourself." I'm constantly searching to define myself.

So I did this self-serving thing the other day where I asked some of my loved ones "What are 3 things that automatically remind you of me?"

Some named intangible substances; others gave straight up word associations. All were kind.

Below is a compilation of those ideas.

Things that are strongly tied to the image I have of myself:

• Bears
• Physical touch
• Openness
• Collage
• Purple hair
• Sugar, and all that entails
• Exclamation points
• Abundantly encouraging
• Mornings are my nemesis
• Butcher, baker, candlestick maker
• Connection 
• Go deep or go away
• Do the hard thing
• Empathy is the answer
• Thoughtful gifts
• Sandwiches
• Laughter
• Slow as molasses
• Sometimes I’d rather sleep
• Grocery lists
• In love with love
• 20 minutes late or 20 minutes early
• Hypochondria
• Extroverted introvert
• Upbeat songs with dark lyrics 
• Visual learner
• I'll be your sidekick
• Space cadet 
• Paradoxical
• Warmth

farts

My sex life is pretty non-existent. Even before "stay at home" happened.

During 2018, I went on a lot of tinder/hinge/bumble "dates" and met a lot of really interesting people. All of them lived in huntsville or birmingham or georgia. It just never seemed to work out. Most of them fell to the wayside organically and that was fine.

This one guy I met on tinder keeps coming back though. He comes out of the woodwork every once in a while to try and sext. I'm generally pretty amused and only sometimes annoyed. I've tried to have normal conversations with him. (My normal is probably not exactly normal and a little deeper than most.) We have very little in common, especially in terms of priorities and values. Now the only time he tries to speak to me is when his dick is hard.

So anyway,  that brings me to yesterday. The memes are true. Guys are extra thirsty rn. He sent me this:

If I actually had feelings for him, I would have maybe responded with a better response than thanks.  I took a screenshot. I just had to. And I've never been one to give a shit that snapchat tells the other person that you took a screenshot. He was really surprised and offended. I could see why he could be upset. He probably thinks I'm making fun of him, but in reality I applaud him. I truly do. He's probably been shamed by someone in the past. I wish I could give him more confidence and take away some of his ego. You shouldn't say something like, "I wanna suck the farts out of that ass babe" and not be proud of it. Stand behind your statements, man. Don't say something if you don't mean it. Unless you're being funny. Even then, there's usually a little truth behind every 'just kidding.'

He didn't seem to find any humor in the situation. But what he doesn't understand is how much I appreciate farts. They are so funny to me. I don't mind that he was being serious. But I wish he was also being funny. Like how can you not see how funny that statement is? I truly believe that funny and serious can co-exist at the same time in perfect harmony.

I genuinely forgot what day it was today.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Bon Appetit at home - it's really funny to see the Bon Appetit stars all responding to the same prompts, but separately. They all have these little inside jokes with each other that are so cute, like everyone makes good-hearted comments about Chris with his spoons and Molly with salt. You can tell they all really enjoy each other's company. The episode where they made pantry pasta is so good and informational.


2. Custom popsockets


3. I started the 100 day project again this year.  instagram.com/annabellebearoh It's something to look forward to when everything feels uncertain.


4. Buttsss.com


5. I discovered that most of my favorite Disney movies open with a storybook and I don't know what that says about me and my life, but I like it.

giving makes me feel better

I'm a super big fan of Austin Kleon's newsletter. It features 10 things he thinks are worth sharing. I love how simple the format is, but he always adds so much information. So I'm thinking about stealing that. (He did write a book about stealing...) Except I'm only going to share 5 things that I love. 5 things is more bite sized.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Yellow Bird Yoga studio offered a 30 day wellness package on March 18th and I bought one on March 20th and I've been enjoying it ever since. Julie is super chill and friendly. 


2. Apocolyptic recipes - I love the style that these recipes are written, with a little humor and very conversational.


3. hot showers - seriously though they've been the best way to truly cleanse my languish of the day. 


4. Dave (Hulu) - this is my favorite show rn. I look forward to the new episode every Thurs and I've re-watched it three times now. Dave Burd/lil dicky is really not the main event. All of the other characters are what make the show. They're so fucking funny and nobody on the show shies away from that deliciously absurd sense of humor that I love so much.


5. Collaborative Spotify playlists. I fully recommend starting one with a friend. (Here's mine & Trev's.)

For the past 2 years, my work weeks have ended on Saturdays, so as an homage to that, I'm planning on posting these fivers on Saturdays ~*~*~for consistency~*~*~ of course.

We'll see how that goes.

collective consciousness

Sometimes I'm super perturbed by "coincidences."

There have been a strangely numerous amount of times I've gone to the shop and realized I'm accidentally wearing matching t-shirt colors.

Today I mentioned in passing while we were all in the kitchen about how I really wanted pizza and B/C were both like, "WELL GUESS WHAT WE WERE PLANNING ON ORDERING MELLOW"

Also, yesterday I had a plan to post some sky pictures on ig that I had collected and a friend of mine posted a sky picture on ig so now I can't post mine because it will look like I'm posting mine because they posted theirs, even though that is truly not the case.


We're just connected; I don't know what more to tell you.

people are nightmarish in different ways

I'm in a headspace right now where nothing is good or worth it, but I've had this post in the queue so I'm just gonna ship it anyway.








How Difficult Are You to Live With? How difficult am I to live with?
These are questions from that video series on relationships from The School of Life that I talked about in a previous post.

If I were a true investigative journalist, I would ask W and B/C what it's like to live with me, but I am just a regular human and I'm scared. I might ask. It's 9:37pm right now and that's too late for this line of questioning.
My answers are kind of formed in response to how I currently live with platonic housemates. I have no way of knowing what it might be like to live with me as a romantic partner.  I'm sure it would be this times a trillion.

1. When I’m annoyed, I have a tendency to…

I get hella snarky when I'm annoyed. In an irritable and snide way. In a way that's snappy and cruel. I try really hard to hide my annoyance because I don't like to be on the receiving end of that treatment myself, and I don't want to put anyone through that.



2. When I feel hurt I…


When I'm hurt, I think I get whiny sometimes and other times I just go cold. I try to pretend like nothing is wrong. I used to think I was really good at it and my hurt was imperceptible.


3. When I’m tired I…

Typically, when I'm tired, I just get silly. If tiredness is in combination with menstruation, then I become uncontrollably weepy.

4. My friends could be a bit of a problem – in so far as…

That's hard to say. I surround myself with really excellent people. I don't really know what to say here. Most* of my friends get along with each other. The only problem I can see is that we can't hang out enough.

*I say most because, yes, not everybody gets along with each other, but they all get along with me and that's the important part.


5. Around money, I can be a bit difficult because…

I don't give a shit about the amount of money I have. I do not feel bad or good about the amount of money I have in my checking account.

I don't care how expensive something was. It's just a material possession. The amount of money that it took to acquire that thing has very little bearing on the value of that thing, to me. An expensive thing does not always equal a well made thing.

Money is a construct, and yet... a good friend told me one time that every dollar is a vote, and I agree with that. I try spend money on things that I value, like experiences and service. I'm also realizing that it bothers me when anyone judges me on how I'm spending my money.

Like this video, for example: How To Stop Eating Half Your Money

In theory, valid points. He has a great point when he says, "Stop spending the majority of money that you make, and save it instead." But it's when he says, "rejecting the convenience of I sure could use a subscription box full of hot sauce samples every month" that he loses me. What if I'm happy to spend my money on that random shit? What if I want to cook at home and enjoy restaurants and bars? What if that's what I want to spend my money on?  I think maybe I'm being too literal and he's trying to say that it's not that hard to pay attention and be intentional with your money. It's difficult to decipher that with all the mumbo jumbo surrounding it though. It seems like money management advice givers are giving advice to an imaginary audience of people that they think they want to be rich without consequence. Who wants to be a millionaire? Not me. Seems like a real crap shoot.

6. I guess I worry really quite a lot about…

I'm neurotic. I worry about plenty of deeply insignificant things. Like if someone cares.
I worry about meaning. What does that mean? What do you mean? What does it all mean?


7. I’m unusually obsessed by…

Well. I have a weird relationship with obsessions and so I try to rebel against them most of the time.


But in terms of communal living situations, I guess putting things back where they're "supposed" to go. It's super unsettling to me if things aren't in the agreed upon location. And it's not like I'm annoyed or upset when things aren't in their place - I just put the thing back. I don't have any expectations that someone else should be putting something back, instead of me - I just put the thing back. Also, I've never understood the thing that some people do with dishes where they only wash the dishes they used. It's not efficient to leave dishes if you're already there washing dishes or whatever. I can understand only doing the amount that time allows for, but like intentionally leaving certain dishes because they're "not yours" doesn't make sense to me.


8. I’ve got some routines which I guess can be difficult…

Probably my lack of routine is difficult. I generally fly by the seat of my pants. If you communicate with me, I'll plan around anything. But if you expect me to have a reliable routine, that just won't happen. 

Little One

I remember seeing this poem that my dad wrote, framed and hanging on the wall when we lived in Centre. I hadn't thought about it again until I recently went through some artifacts that I had mish-mashed in a bag in my room. The book that it was published in is currently in Madison so I asked Alexander to take a picture of it for me. (Thanks Bruv)
It's sometimes hard for me to imagine the man who wrote this poem as my father. Sometimes it's easy to remember him in this light. Memories are strange.

 
 

Little One

I want to thank the good Lord above, for giving me this little one to love.

I am as proud as any daddy could be!

It is amazing to watch her and see how wonderful this little one can be.

She is as smart as a whip, as bright as the sun.

It warms my heart to watch her have fun.

She is just learning to talk, and has so much to say.

She says it all in her own special way.

She likes for me to read to her, so she sits upon my knee.

She likes to be there so she can see.

I have her full attention while I read from the book.

She can't read yet, but she likes to look.

When it's time for work and I must say goodbye,

She doesn't want me to go and starts to cry.

She loves her daddy and doesn't want me to go.

But she will be happy and smile, when I return in a little while.

She is learning and growing, more and more every day,

Into a little lady with her own special ways.

Someday soon she will be a woman with little ones of her own.

Maybe she will pass on to them some of the good I have shown.

I want to thank the good Lord above, for giving me this little one to love.

--William L. Barrow