single and relationships

I went on this binge-a-thon of The School of Life youtube channel and they have this super long playlist on relationships. What I really like about the videos is that they portray a lot of opposing ideas. For example they have a video called "Reasons to Remain Single," which is kind of self explanatory, and conversely they have another video called, "Why It Probably Wasn't Better Being Single," which illuminates how our memories are unreliable.

The comments on the "Reasons to Remain Single" are incredibly sad. It feels like a bunch of broken people proclaiming boldly that they are unwilling to be vulnerable with another person. Lots of stating opinions as facts. Just exactly as I am doing right now. Ha.

It feels wild to me, to say something like, "I'll never get married." That seems like something you assess on a case-by-case basis in your personal life. Like maybe you don't marry that one person. Maybe you re-evaluate on a different person. I just don't understand such sweeping statements like that. I wouldn't even feel good about asserting that I'll never be a christian, even though I feel pretty strongly certain that I won't ever proclaim to be a christian. Also, it seems like people that say "never" are really into loopholes and that is very suspect. I don't know, is this just me being non-committal? Maybe. I just don't think that most things in life are binary so it doesn't make sense to say always or never.

I have a good friend that is pretty adamant on his stance that he'll never get married and whenever I ask him why, his reasons always suck. They're usually something like, "marriages are only beneficial to women; they'll just take half of everything you own" or "men have so much more to lose than women." They're just like the comments on that video. They're all so generalized, which makes them meaningless to me. If he said, "I don't ever want to get married because I'm scared," that would be so much more reasonable. I don't mind a strong stance, as long as the reason is good.

lists to live by

To Rosh

Enough

I'm trying to remember that I'm enough. Especially now that I don't have a daily purpose.  Or at least, what I thought was my daily purpose is temporarily paused. About a week ago, my days were guided by tasks that needed to get done. And now... no tasks seem very necessary. I have a to do list and each day I cross one thing off, but mostly my days are now filled with nothing-ness. I'm not sure what to do with myself when I'm not able to be in service of others. I've had a lot of time to think.

Why do I feel so inadequate? Is this my brain chemistry being off? Or is it something else I'm doing to make myself feel this way?

The action that seems to help the most is talking to loved ones. We don't even have to talk about this idea in particular, but the reassurance of people actually loving me is a pretty big relief.

There's so much good in life. There's so much good in my life. I have so much to be grateful about.

I bought a wellness package from a local yoga studio and they sent me this quote today. It seemed fitting.

guess who's back

During this super strange and slow season of life, I'm nostalgically revisiting my old friend, the blog. I'm reading content that I posted like I'm discovering lost texts because unnervingly enough, I can't remember any of this shit. It's pretty weird.

This same kind of feeling I've had recently when I was talking to TP and I was like, "wait did I live that or do I just vividly remember the story you told me?" It's not a perfect analogy.


I can tell you've been waiting with bated breath to see how my 2018 goals turned out. There were only 3 things on the list... surely I accomplished all of them with ease, right!?

Well. There's something to be said about writing down your goals. There's even something more to be said about looking at your goals often. Because otherwise you'll forget them, like I did.


These were them: 

Top 3 Goals for my 2018:

• Open an online store
• Get better at applying eyeshadow
• Purchase a good cell phone

It turns out that, even 2 years out, I didn't find that these were things that I wanted to actually spend time accomplishing. It was very interesting to see where my mind was 2 years back. So much has changed. More than I can even fathom.

Here's to new and current and evolving goals.

~*~*~*~*~*2018 Goals*~*~*~*~*~

Top 3 Goals for my 2018:

• Open an online store
• Get better at applying eyeshadow
• Purchase a good cell phone

I have a ton of other goals, but these are top dogs that I'll be really proud if I accomplish them.

things I've learned 2017

Let's get things straight here. I'm super great. I'm also a total mess. I had an adventurous year. I also had a hardcore mental breakdown. I travelled to Portland. I moved out. I started graduate school. I quit graduate school. I moved back in with my parents. I accepted a job at a bakery in Anniston. I'm sleeping on friend's couches like a nomad. I feel like I'm doing okay again. 2017 was bonkers.




Things I've learned in 2017:

• Some people will continue loving you(me) even if you’re(I'm) a piece of shit.
• Some people will stop loving you(me) because you’re(I’m) a piece of shit.
• It’s completely necessary, for my brain to stay level headed, to sometimes go all in and surround myself with design and inspiration and live in that, but it’s also necessary to hang out with people(Smells, KC, fam, etc) that have other interests. *It’s so important to diversify where you’re receiving validation.
• Organized tools, cluttered inspiration.
• Before and during graduate school, I didn’t understand the concept that small impacts compound over time to make a big impact. Everybody (EVERYBODY) said “baby steps,” but I did not understand.
• I like to stay busy, but I do not like to be restricted with the things that make me busy.
• Guilt really is an asshole.
• I am in process. I'm an unfinished human and I'm imperfect and I'm okay with myself.
• A shower can temporarily soothe.
• I have a hard time going to sleep and I have a hard time waking up.
• Being nosy is a way to care about things and a way to be curious.
• People notice when you don't post on social media for 3 months.

Things I didn't learn:

• What exactly happened to my brain from August to November. I still feel like I blacked out the night of my birthday and woke up at the end of November. I became a person I didn't recognize and it scares me so bad. I have a lot of embarrassing stories to tell about that time.
• How to repay the kindness and support that friends and family have shown. They didn't have to stand by me during my nonsense, but they did. And they had open arms when I became myself again. They didn't have to be so good, but they continue to be.
• How to escape from a downward existential crisis spiral???
• I read somewhere that “You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick.” I'm not sure if that is true, but we'll see.

thnks fr th mmrs

One of the most important things to me in life is sharing music. 

I grew up being influenced by my parents music. I'm just so thankful that they had listened to a diverse collection. My mom always loving Bruce Springsteen, U2, Green Day, and New Wave 80’s and my dad listening to Spin Doctors, Disturbed, The Offspring, Hootie and the Blowfish, and pretty much anything my mom wanted to listen to. Some of my earliest memories are listening to the living room radio and tapes and cd’s, with those giant speakers and the turn dial volume that could spin to infinity. One of the only home videos of toddler Alexander is him dancing in his diaper to the music. It’s so funny to me that I went through a stage where I rebelled against my mom’s music, because now those songs are some of the ones I go back to when I need comforting.

Most of my vivid memories are tied to music. Some memories are literally music related (my favorite concerts), some not (the playlist I listened to on repeat during my senior semester of college). Rapping to Eminem's most vulgar songs while riding around Hokes Bluff with Smells. Picking Taking Back Sunday songs from Calub's ipod while we laid in the field behind my house.

My friends and I used to make these epic mix cd’s for each other in high school. I miss that so much. The process of selecting a song, not only because it’s a great song, but because you want to share it particularly with this person you care about, is incredibly special. 

One of my very favorite things about living with W was that he constantly played music. He was either listening to his current favorite on repeat or he was listening to a brand new release. I will forever associate Issues - Julia Michaels with him. Haha :)

I can almost guarantee that if we’ve hung out at least once, I probably associate a song with you. Ask me, give me a second to think, & I’ll tell you. You might even have a whole playlist.

Music is one of those things that makes me feel like I can relate to a person. In the one “actual" relationship I’ve ever had, the straw that broke the camel’s back was that he only listened to American Idol songs. ONLY. It was so boring. The fact that he was so rigid about his music taste was what did it. The discovery of new music is so exciting. I can develop a crush on someone based on their taste in music alone. (That's happened with this guy… I know almost nothing else about him, apart from his excellent music choices: Everything)

I always want to know what my friends are listening to. I love when we find common ground, but also when I’m introduced to something way different. TG is one of those friends that I can always count on to be listening to something crazy that I'll probably adore. One of my favorite things is when TG says, “have you listened to that playlist I made?” The answer is always no, because I suck haha. But I always go listen to them eventually! He perfectly curates his playlists and it makes them so fun to listen to. When he picks a theme, he goes all in. And it brings me back to those mix tapes from high school. I wish I could get more of my friends to make playlist and send them to me. (*hint* send me music *hint*) 

Check These Out:

*Here’s a playlist that TG made to commemorate the time he spent working at Foodland:

*And another that he made to collect songs that he thought would sound good with video footage, which is so vague and hilarious to me, but absolutely perfect and you need to listen to it: Videography

Friendship

I've been slowwwly reading the book Bird by Bird: Some instructions on writing and life by Anne Lamott and I've been telling anybody that will listen about it. It's just so good (to me).
I came across this pearl the other day:


"I like for narrators to be like the people I choose for friends, which is to say that they have a lot of the same flaws as I. Preoccupation with self is good, as is a tendency toward procrastination, self-delusion, darkness, jealousy, groveling, greediness, addictiveness. They shouldn't be too perfect; perfect means shallow and unreal and fatally uninteresting. I like for them to have a nice sick sense of humor and to be concerned with important things, by which I mean that they are interested in political and psychological and spiritual matters. I want them to want to know who we are and what life is all about. I like them to be mentally ill in the same sorts of ways that I am; for instance, I have a friend who said one day, "I could resent the ocean if I tried," and I realized that I love that in a guy. I like for them to have hope -- if a friend or narrator reveals himself or herself to be hopeless too early on, I lose interest. It depresses me. It makes me overeat. I don't mind if a person has no hope if he or she is sufficiently funny about the whole thing, but then, this being able to be funny definitely speaks of a kind of hope, of buoyancy."

There I said it.

Potters and elementary schools have the worst websites. They're where all the bad 90's web designs still live and breathe.


Hey, I'm still here. I'm coming back to post more soon, just you wait.

notable

I haven't had a pleasant dream in recent memory. But I had one this morning so I'm going to document it, even though I hate reading about other people's dreams and here I am forcing you to read mine. Sorry.

In the dream, N and I were sitting in a park that was up on this cliff that wasn't too high, but high enough and there was a projector and a screen and a park bench and we just put on some bluetooth headphones and watched Stranger Things on this park bench. I don't recognize this park in my awake life, but I'm totally comfortable in the dream. He turned to me and said, "After all this is over, you'll have to fix it." and I said, "Okay, I'll try."

"Some days are good, baby"

Best thing today:
Today I got a out of the blue thank you note plus a gas card from my Aunt that pretty much said thanks for always being helpful. So incredibly nice.

I gotta think of something nice to pass on to somebody else.

BTT

Best thing today:
Golden Flake cheese curls
Refrigerated Coca-cola
Homemade chocolate chip cookie

Less than three

Best thing today:
No A/C sucks, but it's forced me to spend many a day, windows down music up.
There's something about clearing your mind and singing as loud as you can. I forget how easily I can change my mood by listening to my music.
Also, B jokingly proposed to me so that was weird.

"All rights reserved. Lefts, too."

I'm smack in the middle of the JSU library's copy of Aaron Draplin's book Pretty Much Everything & I'm eating it up. It's a big, dense book, full of tiny type. I've borrowed it for about a month now. It's taken me so long because I know that when I aim to flip though only a few pages, time stops & I get sucked in for an hour, or 3. (I'm not disciplined in the slightest. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, like when I mess up other people's lives, but mostly I just wallow in my chaos and disorder.) Draplin's definitely in my list of all time favorites. His humor blows me away, page after page. And I'm hoping that by reading his book, some of his strict self control & wisdom will rub off on me. I'm saving my pennies now to snag a copy of my own to cherish forever. Until then, the library is my best friend.


Best thing today: Even when I'm being a total piece of shit, people are nice to me. I don't deserve it, but I notice their kindness and I'm thankful for it.

our time is now

As much as it appalls me, I think my love language is actually gifts. Like geez, how superficial can I get? But it's true. Gifts make me feel loved. Also, hugs. But, also, gifts.
I think I've realized this because today a friend brought me this book that they picked out especially for me. It's incredibly thoughtful. It's old and full of ceramics and it's great.

I just took that love language quiz and it confirmed my suspicions. 

//MY RESULTS//

Physical Touch A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

	Receiving Gifts Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.
	Quality Time In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.
	Acts of Service Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.
	Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Best thing today:
Drove home while the sun was setting, which is my absolute most favorite time to be outside. I continue to be amazed at the sky during sunset. It was pink & orange & blue & purple all over the place this evening.

Overly emotional

Best thing today:
Having 3 pairs of shoulders nearby to lean on feels pretty nice.

"I'm having a weird day."

I tweeted this almost exactly a year ago and this whole week, it's been so relevant. Is it that summertime sadness? Things have just been off this week.

I've been going over in my head all day all the ways I've fucked up and it's really bringing me down so I'm gonna stop. I'm going to take time to be grateful. I'm starting up a daily habit. Something so small that even I can keep up. I'm going to remind myself of the best part of my day, everyday. I'm not being unique. Lots of people do this. Supposedly it'll change my life. And maybe it really will. I'm hoping it'll make me feel less lonely. Power of positive thinking, right?


Best thing today:
A co-worker came in to the office and said to me, "It was so nice to hear your sweet voice answer the phone this morning."

Part one: Friends

It's funny how it sneaks up on you, but sometimes you're just floating along and then one day you realize that you're not sitting at home alone as often as you used to & there are people who seem to like you enough to want to spend time with you outside of forced togetherness, like class or work. It's really hard to be patient and go through the process of making friends, but in my experience it has proven to be worth it.

I have been spending as much time as possible (as much time as they'll let me) with W, H, T, N, & O. When we're all together, we form the dream team 'What? No.' and it's the best way to describe us. I haven't mentioned most of them all that much on here, with the exception of N, who I have previously referred to as "handsome coworker" {x}{x}{x}{x}. {Please keep in mind that I'm SO embarrassing and I know, but I am also embracing the fact that there's nothing I can do about it because I am just that kind of person.} I am still amazed that he and I are kind of actually friends now. Like, astounded. I mean, after this post we may not be. It was nice while it lasted. The lack of mentions to the rest of them (W, H, T & O) has nothing to do with my love for them and everything to do with how selfish this blog is. I adore all of them very, very much. And so I'm making this huge post that is mostly comprised of all of them to gush about how awesome they are.
It's hard to pinpoint how it all got started, but I'll try. I knew W from way back in 2013 when I took ceramics. I became more involved with clubs last semester and I became treasurer of Kappa Pi. So O & H were in Kappa Pi and W joined as an alumni so we were all acquainted. We had that proximity friendship. O asked me one day if I wanted to go out to eat with them after Kappa Pi and it snowballed from there. We started going to Struts for trivia and O's bf, T, came along, too. Then I went to this poetry reading that the Arts Collective put on and N was there and we got to talking and I invited him to trivia. To my surprise, he came. And now we're all friends.

I can't remember how many times WHOA had hung out at that point, but I think it was only a handful. One night at trivia, I made everybody from WHOA+T sign my planner because I had been talking about signatures with TD and CMD earlier that day. I'm super interested in signatures. 

Jus goofin'.

My parents and bruv drove down to visit while O and I were hanging at the Cheaha Challenge.

I have other friends, too, okay. This guy is not in 'What? No.'; he's part of #HASHTAGTEAMTEARBAR. We look so OG here.

This is my "wogging" buddy, PA. Running is not quite an accurate term for what I do. We've taken about a 3 week break from wogging recently, but we're starting back up bright & early in the morning. I might die.

This was from when 'What? No.' went swimming. H got to play with a dog. We all ate hot dogs. It was a great day. N would be highly displeased with me if he knew I posted this, but I'm the one that looks like an ogre. That jerk is sitting over there looking like a handsome prince. And plus only like 3 people read this blog so... It's fine.

#blueteeth

HANGOUT FEST WAS SO GOOD.

These party animals celebrating W's bday. Lmao. Honestly, that was the worst cookie cake I've ever made. They were generally pretty nice about it and didn't complain out loud, so it makes it hard for me to decipher whether they're being honest because I'm used to my best friends giving me shit. (cough Smells cough cough)

This is one of my favorite pictures of all time because you can't plan that kind of candidness. O is a great photographer.

There's the thing about snapchat... It's a funny coincidence that these 2 sent me these independently of each other, probably without seeing the other's snaps. Or maybe W saw O's and mine's and made his? That's the thing. Regular group messaging doesn't exist on snapchat. 

They're all going to kill me for posting these. :D

We've paused your regularly scheduled programming

I know you are patiently awaiting those posts I was talking about, but I'm still compiling so here's this to tide you over.

I decorated these glasses for my uncle's stepdaughter's wedding! And I got paid! Actual money! A momentous occasion indeed.

When we were sitting around, after we had made the transaction, my uncle's wife asked, "So what else can you do?" and everytime somebody asks that I'm just like duhhhhhhhhh idkidk. So I feel like it would be in my best interest to document better. 

P.S. Rocket Power is the best and I'm so glad that it's on Teen Nick at night now.