Films

I love lists.

I watched this Jack Howard video where he describes his favorite movies. You know how youtubers do, they ask a question at the end of their video to get you to interact with the comment section, & Jack asked "What're your favourites?" It got me thinking.  Also, Rhett & Link made a 'top ten favorite movies' video. So I've been trying to figure out the ones I like most. I'm thinking about them in terms of movies I could watch every day.

Anyway, here's my list:

1. A Lot Like Love
2. Stranger Than Fiction
3. The Sword in the Stone
4. The Fifth Element
5. Matilda
6. The Decoy Bride
7. The Nice Guys
8. Bridget Jones Diary
9. O Brother Where Art Thou?
10. School of Rock

Honorable mentions

Mad Max: Fury Road

Superstar

Big Daddy

Space Jam

Dead Poets Society

Blade Runner 2049

The Cable Guy

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Lady Bird

Bridesmaids

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

exactly how we want this to feel

5 things I loved this week:

1.  Grace and I are kindred spirits evidently. This Grace Helbig video really says everything I'm thinking right now, like everything... especially the first part where she talks about watching West World. I also recently started West World bc my mom gave me an hbo login and I was interested in the premise of West World. Reality is a joke. Funny and serious and ridiculous at the same time. Because I am so good at absorbing the ideas of another, I came to the conclusion that I can't watch West World unless I have a sounding board of another person to watch it with & since I'm so late to the West World party, plus I'm going to be alone forever so, I'll probably never finish this show.


2. Advice for all ages


3.  Give and Take by Adam Grant - Just started reading it this week and it's already one of my favorite self development books. Spoiler alert- It's helping me feel justified for already valuing giving as a concept and also helping me think about being more intentional about giving. 


4. Made gluten free vegan cookies with vegan royal icing. They turned out decent.
   
   



5. This

I forgot again

Okay so new habits take time to set in. Give me a break. Pretty please.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Ologies podcast really slapped this week. It was on kissing. Very fascinating. I love kissing. In fact, that was my goal for 2020. 







2. I've been watching and listening to a lot of Lewis Howes this week. I was just now watching this video right here and the guest said something that resonated so deeply that I wanted to add it to my recent "about me" post and then that's how I remembered about this weekly fiver. That episode is actually very, very good. James Sexton makes a point about how marriage is neither good or bad and it's a technology that can be used to suit specific people. I also found it interesting that he said most people are entering into this contract not knowing what they're signing up for. Do you know what legally the marriage agreement entails? And if most people are willing to talk about what they're signing up for and potential outcomes, most people will be better off. Really the whole video can be summed up by saying that relationships will be better off if we pay attention and talk about it with the other person in the relationship, whatever "it" is. 


3. Another good podcast episode (I've been consuming a lot of content, okay) - Abbi Jacobson on Creative Pep Talk


4. Here are some cool factz about sugar.


5. My brother is pretty funny sometimes.
   

bingo bongo

There's a video that a good friend has sent me a few times, that I think of often.

This is the one. (It's called Loner Motivational Video, haha) It is a really powerful sentiment, and the video is made in such a way that's really electrifying. When I first watched it, I flinched against the title of the video. Flinching usually means I need to dive deeper. Loneliness and being a "loner" are still ideas that I'm wrestling with. I connect with a different part of the video with every additional viewing. Recently it's been "invent yourself and re-invent yourself." I'm constantly searching to define myself.

So I did this self-serving thing the other day where I asked some of my loved ones "What are 3 things that automatically remind you of me?"

Some named intangible substances; others gave straight up word associations. All were kind.

Below is a compilation of those ideas.

Things that are strongly tied to the image I have of myself:

• Bears
• Physical touch
• Openness
• Collage
• Purple hair
• Sugar, and all that entails
• Exclamation points
• Abundantly encouraging
• Mornings are my nemesis
• Butcher, baker, candlestick maker
• Connection 
• Go deep or go away
• Do the hard thing
• Empathy is the answer
• Thoughtful gifts
• Sandwiches
• Laughter
• Slow as molasses
• Sometimes I’d rather sleep
• Grocery lists
• In love with love
• 20 minutes late or 20 minutes early
• Hypochondria
• Extroverted introvert
• Upbeat songs with dark lyrics 
• Visual learner
• I'll be your sidekick
• Space cadet 
• Paradoxical
• Warmth

farts

My sex life is pretty non-existent. Even before "stay at home" happened.

During 2018, I went on a lot of tinder/hinge/bumble "dates" and met a lot of really interesting people. All of them lived in huntsville or birmingham or georgia. It just never seemed to work out. Most of them fell to the wayside organically and that was fine.

This one guy I met on tinder keeps coming back though. He comes out of the woodwork every once in a while to try and sext. I'm generally pretty amused and only sometimes annoyed. I've tried to have normal conversations with him. (My normal is probably not exactly normal and a little deeper than most.) We have very little in common, especially in terms of priorities and values. Now the only time he tries to speak to me is when his dick is hard.

So anyway,  that brings me to yesterday. The memes are true. Guys are extra thirsty rn. He sent me this:

If I actually had feelings for him, I would have maybe responded with a better response than thanks.  I took a screenshot. I just had to. And I've never been one to give a shit that snapchat tells the other person that you took a screenshot. He was really surprised and offended. I could see why he could be upset. He probably thinks I'm making fun of him, but in reality I applaud him. I truly do. He's probably been shamed by someone in the past. I wish I could give him more confidence and take away some of his ego. You shouldn't say something like, "I wanna suck the farts out of that ass babe" and not be proud of it. Stand behind your statements, man. Don't say something if you don't mean it. Unless you're being funny. Even then, there's usually a little truth behind every 'just kidding.'

He didn't seem to find any humor in the situation. But what he doesn't understand is how much I appreciate farts. They are so funny to me. I don't mind that he was being serious. But I wish he was also being funny. Like how can you not see how funny that statement is? I truly believe that funny and serious can co-exist at the same time in perfect harmony.

I genuinely forgot what day it was today.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Bon Appetit at home - it's really funny to see the Bon Appetit stars all responding to the same prompts, but separately. They all have these little inside jokes with each other that are so cute, like everyone makes good-hearted comments about Chris with his spoons and Molly with salt. You can tell they all really enjoy each other's company. The episode where they made pantry pasta is so good and informational.


2. Custom popsockets


3. I started the 100 day project again this year.  instagram.com/annabellebearoh It's something to look forward to when everything feels uncertain.


4. Buttsss.com


5. I discovered that most of my favorite Disney movies open with a storybook and I don't know what that says about me and my life, but I like it.

giving makes me feel better

I'm a super big fan of Austin Kleon's newsletter. It features 10 things he thinks are worth sharing. I love how simple the format is, but he always adds so much information. So I'm thinking about stealing that. (He did write a book about stealing...) Except I'm only going to share 5 things that I love. 5 things is more bite sized.

5 things I loved this week:

1. Yellow Bird Yoga studio offered a 30 day wellness package on March 18th and I bought one on March 20th and I've been enjoying it ever since. Julie is super chill and friendly. 


2. Apocolyptic recipes - I love the style that these recipes are written, with a little humor and very conversational.


3. hot showers - seriously though they've been the best way to truly cleanse my languish of the day. 


4. Dave (Hulu) - this is my favorite show rn. I look forward to the new episode every Thurs and I've re-watched it three times now. Dave Burd/lil dicky is really not the main event. All of the other characters are what make the show. They're so fucking funny and nobody on the show shies away from that deliciously absurd sense of humor that I love so much.


5. Collaborative Spotify playlists. I fully recommend starting one with a friend. (Here's mine & Trev's.)

For the past 2 years, my work weeks have ended on Saturdays, so as an homage to that, I'm planning on posting these fivers on Saturdays ~*~*~for consistency~*~*~ of course.

We'll see how that goes.

collective consciousness

Sometimes I'm super perturbed by "coincidences."

There have been a strangely numerous amount of times I've gone to the shop and realized I'm accidentally wearing matching t-shirt colors.

Today I mentioned in passing while we were all in the kitchen about how I really wanted pizza and B/C were both like, "WELL GUESS WHAT WE WERE PLANNING ON ORDERING MELLOW"

Also, yesterday I had a plan to post some sky pictures on ig that I had collected and a friend of mine posted a sky picture on ig so now I can't post mine because it will look like I'm posting mine because they posted theirs, even though that is truly not the case.


We're just connected; I don't know what more to tell you.

people are nightmarish in different ways

I'm in a headspace right now where nothing is good or worth it, but I've had this post in the queue so I'm just gonna ship it anyway.








How Difficult Are You to Live With? How difficult am I to live with?
These are questions from that video series on relationships from The School of Life that I talked about in a previous post.

If I were a true investigative journalist, I would ask W and B/C what it's like to live with me, but I am just a regular human and I'm scared. I might ask. It's 9:37pm right now and that's too late for this line of questioning.
My answers are kind of formed in response to how I currently live with platonic housemates. I have no way of knowing what it might be like to live with me as a romantic partner.  I'm sure it would be this times a trillion.

1. When I’m annoyed, I have a tendency to…

I get hella snarky when I'm annoyed. In an irritable and snide way. In a way that's snappy and cruel. I try really hard to hide my annoyance because I don't like to be on the receiving end of that treatment myself, and I don't want to put anyone through that.



2. When I feel hurt I…


When I'm hurt, I think I get whiny sometimes and other times I just go cold. I try to pretend like nothing is wrong. I used to think I was really good at it and my hurt was imperceptible.


3. When I’m tired I…

Typically, when I'm tired, I just get silly. If tiredness is in combination with menstruation, then I become uncontrollably weepy.

4. My friends could be a bit of a problem – in so far as…

That's hard to say. I surround myself with really excellent people. I don't really know what to say here. Most* of my friends get along with each other. The only problem I can see is that we can't hang out enough.

*I say most because, yes, not everybody gets along with each other, but they all get along with me and that's the important part.


5. Around money, I can be a bit difficult because…

I don't give a shit about the amount of money I have. I do not feel bad or good about the amount of money I have in my checking account.

I don't care how expensive something was. It's just a material possession. The amount of money that it took to acquire that thing has very little bearing on the value of that thing, to me. An expensive thing does not always equal a well made thing.

Money is a construct, and yet... a good friend told me one time that every dollar is a vote, and I agree with that. I try spend money on things that I value, like experiences and service. I'm also realizing that it bothers me when anyone judges me on how I'm spending my money.

Like this video, for example: How To Stop Eating Half Your Money

In theory, valid points. He has a great point when he says, "Stop spending the majority of money that you make, and save it instead." But it's when he says, "rejecting the convenience of I sure could use a subscription box full of hot sauce samples every month" that he loses me. What if I'm happy to spend my money on that random shit? What if I want to cook at home and enjoy restaurants and bars? What if that's what I want to spend my money on?  I think maybe I'm being too literal and he's trying to say that it's not that hard to pay attention and be intentional with your money. It's difficult to decipher that with all the mumbo jumbo surrounding it though. It seems like money management advice givers are giving advice to an imaginary audience of people that they think they want to be rich without consequence. Who wants to be a millionaire? Not me. Seems like a real crap shoot.

6. I guess I worry really quite a lot about…

I'm neurotic. I worry about plenty of deeply insignificant things. Like if someone cares.
I worry about meaning. What does that mean? What do you mean? What does it all mean?


7. I’m unusually obsessed by…

Well. I have a weird relationship with obsessions and so I try to rebel against them most of the time.


But in terms of communal living situations, I guess putting things back where they're "supposed" to go. It's super unsettling to me if things aren't in the agreed upon location. And it's not like I'm annoyed or upset when things aren't in their place - I just put the thing back. I don't have any expectations that someone else should be putting something back, instead of me - I just put the thing back. Also, I've never understood the thing that some people do with dishes where they only wash the dishes they used. It's not efficient to leave dishes if you're already there washing dishes or whatever. I can understand only doing the amount that time allows for, but like intentionally leaving certain dishes because they're "not yours" doesn't make sense to me.


8. I’ve got some routines which I guess can be difficult…

Probably my lack of routine is difficult. I generally fly by the seat of my pants. If you communicate with me, I'll plan around anything. But if you expect me to have a reliable routine, that just won't happen. 

Little One

I remember seeing this poem that my dad wrote, framed and hanging on the wall when we lived in Centre. I hadn't thought about it again until I recently went through some artifacts that I had mish-mashed in a bag in my room. The book that it was published in is currently in Madison so I asked Alexander to take a picture of it for me. (Thanks Bruv)
It's sometimes hard for me to imagine the man who wrote this poem as my father. Sometimes it's easy to remember him in this light. Memories are strange.

 
 

Little One

I want to thank the good Lord above, for giving me this little one to love.

I am as proud as any daddy could be!

It is amazing to watch her and see how wonderful this little one can be.

She is as smart as a whip, as bright as the sun.

It warms my heart to watch her have fun.

She is just learning to talk, and has so much to say.

She says it all in her own special way.

She likes for me to read to her, so she sits upon my knee.

She likes to be there so she can see.

I have her full attention while I read from the book.

She can't read yet, but she likes to look.

When it's time for work and I must say goodbye,

She doesn't want me to go and starts to cry.

She loves her daddy and doesn't want me to go.

But she will be happy and smile, when I return in a little while.

She is learning and growing, more and more every day,

Into a little lady with her own special ways.

Someday soon she will be a woman with little ones of her own.

Maybe she will pass on to them some of the good I have shown.

I want to thank the good Lord above, for giving me this little one to love.

--William L. Barrow

single and relationships

I went on this binge-a-thon of The School of Life youtube channel and they have this super long playlist on relationships. What I really like about the videos is that they portray a lot of opposing ideas. For example they have a video called "Reasons to Remain Single," which is kind of self explanatory, and conversely they have another video called, "Why It Probably Wasn't Better Being Single," which illuminates how our memories are unreliable.

The comments on the "Reasons to Remain Single" are incredibly sad. It feels like a bunch of broken people proclaiming boldly that they are unwilling to be vulnerable with another person. Lots of stating opinions as facts. Just exactly as I am doing right now. Ha.

It feels wild to me, to say something like, "I'll never get married." That seems like something you assess on a case-by-case basis in your personal life. Like maybe you don't marry that one person. Maybe you re-evaluate on a different person. I just don't understand such sweeping statements like that. I wouldn't even feel good about asserting that I'll never be a christian, even though I feel pretty strongly certain that I won't ever proclaim to be a christian. Also, it seems like people that say "never" are really into loopholes and that is very suspect. I don't know, is this just me being non-committal? Maybe. I just don't think that most things in life are binary so it doesn't make sense to say always or never.

I have a good friend that is pretty adamant on his stance that he'll never get married and whenever I ask him why, his reasons always suck. They're usually something like, "marriages are only beneficial to women; they'll just take half of everything you own" or "men have so much more to lose than women." They're just like the comments on that video. They're all so generalized, which makes them meaningless to me. If he said, "I don't ever want to get married because I'm scared," that would be so much more reasonable. I don't mind a strong stance, as long as the reason is good.

lists to live by

To Rosh

Enough

I'm trying to remember that I'm enough. Especially now that I don't have a daily purpose.  Or at least, what I thought was my daily purpose is temporarily paused. About a week ago, my days were guided by tasks that needed to get done. And now... no tasks seem very necessary. I have a to do list and each day I cross one thing off, but mostly my days are now filled with nothing-ness. I'm not sure what to do with myself when I'm not able to be in service of others. I've had a lot of time to think.

Why do I feel so inadequate? Is this my brain chemistry being off? Or is it something else I'm doing to make myself feel this way?

The action that seems to help the most is talking to loved ones. We don't even have to talk about this idea in particular, but the reassurance of people actually loving me is a pretty big relief.

There's so much good in life. There's so much good in my life. I have so much to be grateful about.

I bought a wellness package from a local yoga studio and they sent me this quote today. It seemed fitting.

guess who's back

During this super strange and slow season of life, I'm nostalgically revisiting my old friend, the blog. I'm reading content that I posted like I'm discovering lost texts because unnervingly enough, I can't remember any of this shit. It's pretty weird.

This same kind of feeling I've had recently when I was talking to TP and I was like, "wait did I live that or do I just vividly remember the story you told me?" It's not a perfect analogy.


I can tell you've been waiting with bated breath to see how my 2018 goals turned out. There were only 3 things on the list... surely I accomplished all of them with ease, right!?

Well. There's something to be said about writing down your goals. There's even something more to be said about looking at your goals often. Because otherwise you'll forget them, like I did.


These were them: 

Top 3 Goals for my 2018:

• Open an online store
• Get better at applying eyeshadow
• Purchase a good cell phone

It turns out that, even 2 years out, I didn't find that these were things that I wanted to actually spend time accomplishing. It was very interesting to see where my mind was 2 years back. So much has changed. More than I can even fathom.

Here's to new and current and evolving goals.

~*~*~*~*~*2018 Goals*~*~*~*~*~

Top 3 Goals for my 2018:

• Open an online store
• Get better at applying eyeshadow
• Purchase a good cell phone

I have a ton of other goals, but these are top dogs that I'll be really proud if I accomplish them.

things I've learned 2017

Let's get things straight here. I'm super great. I'm also a total mess. I had an adventurous year. I also had a hardcore mental breakdown. I travelled to Portland. I moved out. I started graduate school. I quit graduate school. I moved back in with my parents. I accepted a job at a bakery in Anniston. I'm sleeping on friend's couches like a nomad. I feel like I'm doing okay again. 2017 was bonkers.




Things I've learned in 2017:

• Some people will continue loving you(me) even if you’re(I'm) a piece of shit.
• Some people will stop loving you(me) because you’re(I’m) a piece of shit.
• It’s completely necessary, for my brain to stay level headed, to sometimes go all in and surround myself with design and inspiration and live in that, but it’s also necessary to hang out with people(Smells, KC, fam, etc) that have other interests. *It’s so important to diversify where you’re receiving validation.
• Organized tools, cluttered inspiration.
• Before and during graduate school, I didn’t understand the concept that small impacts compound over time to make a big impact. Everybody (EVERYBODY) said “baby steps,” but I did not understand.
• I like to stay busy, but I do not like to be restricted with the things that make me busy.
• Guilt really is an asshole.
• I am in process. I'm an unfinished human and I'm imperfect and I'm okay with myself.
• A shower can temporarily soothe.
• I have a hard time going to sleep and I have a hard time waking up.
• Being nosy is a way to care about things and a way to be curious.
• People notice when you don't post on social media for 3 months.

Things I didn't learn:

• What exactly happened to my brain from August to November. I still feel like I blacked out the night of my birthday and woke up at the end of November. I became a person I didn't recognize and it scares me so bad. I have a lot of embarrassing stories to tell about that time.
• How to repay the kindness and support that friends and family have shown. They didn't have to stand by me during my nonsense, but they did. And they had open arms when I became myself again. They didn't have to be so good, but they continue to be.
• How to escape from a downward existential crisis spiral???
• I read somewhere that “You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick.” I'm not sure if that is true, but we'll see.

thnks fr th mmrs

One of the most important things to me in life is sharing music. 

I grew up being influenced by my parents music. I'm just so thankful that they had listened to a diverse collection. My mom always loving Bruce Springsteen, U2, Green Day, and New Wave 80’s and my dad listening to Spin Doctors, Disturbed, The Offspring, Hootie and the Blowfish, and pretty much anything my mom wanted to listen to. Some of my earliest memories are listening to the living room radio and tapes and cd’s, with those giant speakers and the turn dial volume that could spin to infinity. One of the only home videos of toddler Alexander is him dancing in his diaper to the music. It’s so funny to me that I went through a stage where I rebelled against my mom’s music, because now those songs are some of the ones I go back to when I need comforting.

Most of my vivid memories are tied to music. Some memories are literally music related (my favorite concerts), some not (the playlist I listened to on repeat during my senior semester of college). Rapping to Eminem's most vulgar songs while riding around Hokes Bluff with Smells. Picking Taking Back Sunday songs from Calub's ipod while we laid in the field behind my house.

My friends and I used to make these epic mix cd’s for each other in high school. I miss that so much. The process of selecting a song, not only because it’s a great song, but because you want to share it particularly with this person you care about, is incredibly special. 

One of my very favorite things about living with W was that he constantly played music. He was either listening to his current favorite on repeat or he was listening to a brand new release. I will forever associate Issues - Julia Michaels with him. Haha :)

I can almost guarantee that if we’ve hung out at least once, I probably associate a song with you. Ask me, give me a second to think, & I’ll tell you. You might even have a whole playlist.

Music is one of those things that makes me feel like I can relate to a person. In the one “actual" relationship I’ve ever had, the straw that broke the camel’s back was that he only listened to American Idol songs. ONLY. It was so boring. The fact that he was so rigid about his music taste was what did it. The discovery of new music is so exciting. I can develop a crush on someone based on their taste in music alone. (That's happened with this guy… I know almost nothing else about him, apart from his excellent music choices: Everything)

I always want to know what my friends are listening to. I love when we find common ground, but also when I’m introduced to something way different. TG is one of those friends that I can always count on to be listening to something crazy that I'll probably adore. One of my favorite things is when TG says, “have you listened to that playlist I made?” The answer is always no, because I suck haha. But I always go listen to them eventually! He perfectly curates his playlists and it makes them so fun to listen to. When he picks a theme, he goes all in. And it brings me back to those mix tapes from high school. I wish I could get more of my friends to make playlist and send them to me. (*hint* send me music *hint*) 

Check These Out:

*Here’s a playlist that TG made to commemorate the time he spent working at Foodland:

*And another that he made to collect songs that he thought would sound good with video footage, which is so vague and hilarious to me, but absolutely perfect and you need to listen to it: Videography

Friendship

I've been slowwwly reading the book Bird by Bird: Some instructions on writing and life by Anne Lamott and I've been telling anybody that will listen about it. It's just so good (to me).
I came across this pearl the other day:


"I like for narrators to be like the people I choose for friends, which is to say that they have a lot of the same flaws as I. Preoccupation with self is good, as is a tendency toward procrastination, self-delusion, darkness, jealousy, groveling, greediness, addictiveness. They shouldn't be too perfect; perfect means shallow and unreal and fatally uninteresting. I like for them to have a nice sick sense of humor and to be concerned with important things, by which I mean that they are interested in political and psychological and spiritual matters. I want them to want to know who we are and what life is all about. I like them to be mentally ill in the same sorts of ways that I am; for instance, I have a friend who said one day, "I could resent the ocean if I tried," and I realized that I love that in a guy. I like for them to have hope -- if a friend or narrator reveals himself or herself to be hopeless too early on, I lose interest. It depresses me. It makes me overeat. I don't mind if a person has no hope if he or she is sufficiently funny about the whole thing, but then, this being able to be funny definitely speaks of a kind of hope, of buoyancy."

There I said it.

Potters and elementary schools have the worst websites. They're where all the bad 90's web designs still live and breathe.


Hey, I'm still here. I'm coming back to post more soon, just you wait.