farts

My sex life is pretty non-existent. Even before "stay at home" happened.

During 2018, I went on a lot of tinder/hinge/bumble "dates" and met a lot of really interesting people. All of them lived in huntsville or birmingham or georgia. It just never seemed to work out. Most of them fell to the wayside organically and that was fine.

This one guy I met on tinder keeps coming back though. He comes out of the woodwork every once in a while to try and sext. I'm generally pretty amused and only sometimes annoyed. I've tried to have normal conversations with him. (My normal is probably not exactly normal and a little deeper than most.) We have very little in common, especially in terms of priorities and values. Now the only time he tries to speak to me is when his dick is hard.

So anyway,  that brings me to yesterday. The memes are true. Guys are extra thirsty rn. He sent me this:

If I actually had feelings for him, I would have maybe responded with a better response than thanks.  I took a screenshot. I just had to. And I've never been one to give a shit that snapchat tells the other person that you took a screenshot. He was really surprised and offended. I could see why he could be upset. He probably thinks I'm making fun of him, but in reality I applaud him. I truly do. He's probably been shamed by someone in the past. I wish I could give him more confidence and take away some of his ego. You shouldn't say something like, "I wanna suck the farts out of that ass babe" and not be proud of it. Stand behind your statements, man. Don't say something if you don't mean it. Unless you're being funny. Even then, there's usually a little truth behind every 'just kidding.'

He didn't seem to find any humor in the situation. But what he doesn't understand is how much I appreciate farts. They are so funny to me. I don't mind that he was being serious. But I wish he was also being funny. Like how can you not see how funny that statement is? I truly believe that funny and serious can co-exist at the same time in perfect harmony.

Everything anybody's ever wanted to know

• 1: What eye color do you find sexiest? Let's face it: brown eyes are the sexiest.
• 2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha? Milk chocolate
• 3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be? Original art by Banksy himself. I would get a real back tattoo of that, actually.
• 4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it? 2 small towns, in proportion to the rest of America. I guess I liked it just fine. 
• 5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite) Roald Dahl. He wrote all of my favorite childhood books and movies.
• 6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now? Oh snap, one of those delicious triple berry ones from Paradise Smoothie.
• 7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years? Probably farting in class. Or throwing up on the bus while we were on a field trip to the space and rocket center.
• 8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years? I can't remember if this was middle or high school, but I'll go with middle school. Showing up to Mic's christmas party on the wrong day. Or farting in class.
• 9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years? All of the events that involve AJ. Or slipping on ice in the parking lot. Or slipping by the pool at a state swim meet in front of a million goddamn people & nobody helped me.
• 10: Pirates or ninjas? Why? Pirates. Because of the drunkenness.
• 11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? Hail no.
• 12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set? I liked swinging, but I don't get emotional when I see a set. 
• 13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get? Giraffe.
• 14: What's your most favorite part of your body? My hands. I don't think they are pretty, but they let me be the creative person that I am. I have very steady hands and I'm able to draw things and knit things and paint things because of it. I like feeling textures and tapping rhythms with my fingertips. Also, hands are very instrumental in baking, which is a passion of mine.
• 15: What's your most favorite part of your personality? The awesome part.
• 16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares? Uh.... Madge because of Bridget Jones 2
• 17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through? No
• 18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk? No
• 19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life? There was this dish from olive garden that I dream about sometimes & I desperately wish I knew the name of it. It was the cheesiest thing I'd ever had. 
• 20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with? Butter & butter.
• 21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?) 2%'s my go-to.
• 22: Which continents have you been on? North America
• 23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories? No, I do not. This one time on the bus though, I thought Rosh was forreal going to pass out & it was probably motion sickness.
• 24: Backpacks or satchels? Bookbags, nigga.
• 25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants? All yes.
• 26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers.
• 27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why? Pig because cows have giant poops.
• 28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be? Nashville with the Batman building.
• 29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on? 0 hours.
• 30: The latest you've ever slept? I've probably slept a full 24 hours.
• 31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free? I would buy it if it was on sale. I would probably wear it all the time.
• 32: Do you pick at scabs? Unfortunately, yes. Causes scars so don't do it.
• 33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto? Black beans.
• 34: How far can you throw a baseball? Maybe 6 feet.
• 35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move? England
• 36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it? I have not, but I would love to try.
• 37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why? I am going to a public university because I have poor money management skills and did not save money from all of those years working so I could not get an apartment to move away so I'm able to live close to home.
• 38: A relationship with love or one with sex? LOVE
• 39: Do you eat enough vegetables? Yes, actually.
• 40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers? No. Yes.
• 41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public? No
• 42: Do you swear in front of your parents? Yes. This is a recent development.
• 43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween? Pumpkin guts.
• 44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what? Yeah I do that all the time. It's been red and black on different occasions & those're not my natural color.
• 45: Do you want to get married? Have kids? Yes and yes.
• 46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should. I do. Sometimes.
• 47: City or nature person? Neither? I like the burbs.
• 48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?) Can't say that I remember ever doing that.
• 49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy? No I walk like an idiot in heels.
• 50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY! 1. I have a tendency to be very generous. 2. Sometimes I am super witty. 3. I try to see the best in people. 4. I am good at desserts. 5.  I'm awesome at arts & crafts.