Dreams are assholes

I always have these weird dreams and I feel like I can't tell people them because nobody really cares about listening to your dreams. They don't really have a purpose.
I keep having dreams that this dude I'm crushing on hardcore reciprocates feelings. It's just cruel. I also have repeat dreams where I'm holding a dude's hand (not the crush) & he keeps trying to makeout, but I'm like no, dude just want to hold your hand.
It's dumb.

Nostalgia

I was going through my pictures the other day when I came across this one.

I love that it looks like someone snapped a candid of us, when really, I'm pretty sure I said to him, hey come take a picture with me and then I made somebody take the picture. I remember being so surprised that he sat down so close.
Something I've never told anyone:  My star tattoo reminds me of him. That's kind of why I got it. I remember first seeing his tattoos and thinking, dang this is the coolest person I will ever meet. My tattoo is like a reminder to meet someone else greater than or equal to as cool and to try really hard to marry them. Not really, but sort of.
He always had excellent tastes in movies, books, and especially music. I cannot listen to Glycerine or Oleander without thinking of him. And he always dressed so fly. Plus he was always incredibly nice to me, even though he could have totally been one of those guys that didn't give anyone except hotties the time of day. I definitely thought I was in love with him, but I was in love with a lot of dudes when I was in high school so there's probably no merit to that.
This is starting to sound like he died, but no. He's (hopefully)happily married and there is no doubt in my mind that I will never see him again. It makes me kind of sad, but that's just how it should be. I think if I saw him again, it would mess up my thought movies(Nerdist reference!).
It's a nice picture.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

1. Books
2. Food
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Internet
5. Painting

The thing about Southern boys

I'm talking stereotypical Southern boys who drive trucks and work in a factory doing some sort of manual labor. The ones who are patriotic to a fault. The ones who have a deep tan from working in the sun & muscles to go along with it.
Well my grandmother's 20 yr old next door neighbor is absolutely one of them. I basically grew up with the guy because I used to visit my grandparents so often when I was a kid. We didn't stay close when I moved though & I never really see him anymore except in passing. Yesterday he happened to be outside when I was and he came over & spoke to me. He asked about everybody in the family individually and he gave an easy smile when I responded. I noticed how comfortable he is in his own skin, as he was casually leaning against my Ford. That strikes me as a Southern boy trait, too. Confidence.
So of course after I had that little chat with my long lost childhood friend, I had to stalk him on facebook a little bit.
I wasn't really shocked at what I found. Like I said, I already knew how stereotypical he was. It was just unsettling how charming he was in person(I actually think he might've been extra charming because he wanted to get my cousins number) & how hostile he is on fb. He is a proud gay-bashing Conservative and uses the word Liberal like it's vulgar. In my experience, that's kinda the stereotypical Southern boy, too.

I don't know what to think about that. I mean, on the one hand, I don't agree with his beliefs at all. On the other hand, he's not scared of who will judge him so he states his opinion freely.
I think about my own beliefs a lot and I don't know if I would be willing to put myself out there to be judged like that. Like, now that I know about this, I won't be putting my legalize love bumper sticker on my car any time soon. I know that I should stand up for what I believe in, but I also think I don't want to be victim to a hate crime. That's just my own problems though. Honestly, my neighbor is not the only reason I won't put the bumper sticker on there. My papaw already said I can't put any bumper stickers on his car.

Even still, I don't hate the guy(my grandmother's next door neighbor). There would be never be a time where we would get into it about religion or politics because I would die before I would go through that. I don't know. It's just really hard for me to hate people that I know personally. I can hate a public figure all day long, but when it comes down to people I come face to face with in my daily life, I try to find something good about them.

When I was younger, I used to imagine people being divided up into buckets. Like por ejemplo if the world was divided into Liberal & Conservative, would I choose to be in the bucket with my family (Mostly Conservatives) or would I choose to be in the Liberal bucket with the people I share a few beliefs with. Would I even want to be associated with any bucket? Because they both have people that suck.

Excel

Today I tried to learn how to make a timesheet using excel that add all the numbers together by itself, but oh my gerd it was entirely too much like programming & I had a little anxiety attack about next semester because I have an actual programming class & I just barely scraped by in the prereq for that class. What am I doing thinking I can minor in CIS?!? Math sucks!

necessary

I hate that word because I'm always unsure of how to spell it.

Here's a thing that scared the shit out of me & now I'm taking down all the photos
Okay maybe not all the photos. It talks about shutting down pinterest boards, too... I don't know if I can handle that though. I think I will just wait that one out. It really pisses me off that people actually give a shit about copyrights, but that doesn't mean that I'm right about being pissed off. I've never liked having to put references on school papers, either. I do understand that photographers want to get paid for their photos. It just seems so douche baggy.

I think it's funny (weird, not 'haha') that even if a picture is of YOU, the picture belongs strictly to the photographer & is only to be used by the photographer, in anyway they see fit. You have to, like, ask permission to use a picture of your own self, taken by somebody else. It's absolutely creepy (& that's why paparazzi's aren't illegal!!!), but that's how I understand it works.

Okay another thing, when an image gets so famous, people are going to recognize the image, not the author. That is just how it works. Someone created every single image ever. It's impossible to remember the creator of every single image.

Complacency

I am incredibly itchy right now. It is unbearable. I have no idea why my whole body itches. I want to take a benadryl so I can just go to sleep & forget about it, but I don't have any. Also, I'm hesitant to take one right now because I don't want to fall into a Rip VanWinkle type slumber. I've got shit to do tomorrow.

I went to Clairey D's surprise birthday party yesterday. She cried & it was adorable. Kinda made me tear up too. Her friends are totally cool and they were super nice.

One of them reminded me of Anna Kendrick. (To Claire: (because you support me in all my endeavors & I know you'll read this post) It's Catelin. (What a weird way to spell that. I looked up how to spell her name from the facebooks.) She reminds me of Anna Kendrick.)

Earlier today, I created a facebook event thing about my birthday. It gives me a lot of anxiety, but way less anxiety than if I had actually phoned each person and asked them to come. I only invited 4 dudes out of 12 people & honestly, I think only one will show up. Right before I clicked the create event button, I almost texted the one guy asking if he would be uncomfortable being the only guy & then I was like 'WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, SELF? You don't care about other peoples feelings! It's a day celebrating you & that's all that matters!' so I decided against asking him. I think he'll be okay.
But anyway, back to what I was saying about anxiety, I kind of hate the fact that society (me) has resorted to facebook as a reasonable form of social interaction because it's so impersonal, but I just hate phoning people that I normally only communicate with through text. It's a never-ending battle. Also, getting a notification that somebody is attending your event, is like, the most satisfying. I already have 6 yeses (? I don't know how to plural yes.) & it's only been about 5 hours since I posted. I made reservations for seven people SO someone else better accept. Rosh hasn't yet. She will though, or I'll kick her butt.


All of this turmoil going on in the world just deepens my belief that "it's just not that serious." Is that insensitive? I really respect the idea of living your live day by day, like each one is your last, & making the most of everything because this is the only life you've got. I would love to live that way. I desire to live that way. I don't though. I don't keep my room clean even though it would make me happier to be organized, I'm not conscious of my health, I don't jump at chances. I don't know. I'm probably living a strange combination of the two lifestyles. I'm not very good at looking at my own life & seeing it how it really is. In recent years, I've kind of started viewing myself through blinders, only seeing and remembering things from my life that I'm proud of. When I look in the mirror, the wobbly bits are blurrier and out of focus, but my face always looks good. I like my facial expressions and I hone in on them when I look at myself. I think about how important I am to the universe in lieu of the fact that I am too lazy to get to work on time. I'm not really going anywhere with this point.

I've been on a YA dystopia kick lately. I started reading Lauren Oliver's Delirium today & I already love it. It's about a time in the future where they cure people of the disease "amor deliria nervosa" or the artist formerly know as "love. It's good, but since all of this gay marriage stuff is all up in my social media, all I can think about while reading is,  "omg mit romney became prez & kicked out the gays" because gay has not been addressed in the book. Of course, I'm only on page 51 so who knows what will happen in the next 400 pages.

7. What is your dream job, and why?

To work in a library. A really big public one that gets a lot of patrons. I would design the newletters and pamphlets and I would work solely in the YA section.  Also, every other tuesday I would host a little kids (5 & under) cupcake decorating class because that's what libraries need. More cupcakes. And I would do really awesome youtube videos to promote the library & then they would pay me to go to vidcon! For research!


Best Wishes,
Annabelle

Yesterday

All day yesterday I was so thirsty. I just kept thinking about how I was going to stop at burger king and get a LARGE coke. And maybe some onion rings. Or an ice cream.
When I finally got off work, I was like 'fuck that, I'm sleepy' & I just drove home. I drank two tall glasses of water right after I walked in the door and they were the most satisfying glasses of water. The large carbonated beverage would have been so disappointing. Also, it would have costed money that I shouldn't spend. I'm trying to be more conscious of my spending habits. I already know that I spend too much on food. I think that if I don't buy as much food then it's a win-win because I'll be saving money while at the same time eating less junk.
Then I cleaned the seats and carpets in my car. So I did really good at life yesterday.
The only bad thing is that I have this HUGE pimple on my chin. It's one of those painful nodules that never forms a whitehead and looks like I'm growing another head. I wish I was exaggerating.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Truth be told, I don't know the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I have always been really great at blocking out terrible experiences. Maybe I just haven't experienced anything that was very hard at all & the hardest thing I've ever experienced was something really insignificant.
Nobody can really know.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. Tabbie, my tablet

2. I've just started knitting this cool hat pattern

3. Felicity

4. I'm patiently awaiting the arrival of my tevas

5. GetGlue.com stickers (They're for free!)

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. Do NOT make out with anybody you work with. Don't.
2. Do NOT make out with anybody that doesn't want to date you. In the same vein, don't make out with anybody that you don't want to date.
3. Do your homework. It's horrible & stupid, but it will make you a better, more responsible person.
4. Spend as much time with Caleb & Roshni & Melana as humanly possible. They are true friends. Do not take them for granted.
5. Go to Gadsden State. You know you want to so just do it. Don't bother with Calhoun.
6. Save 10% of every freaking paycheck. You will not regret it.
7. Discover the band Walk The Moon & go to a bunch of their shows.
8. Here's a joke: What's the temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm
9. Here's another joke: What's brown & rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
10. Just be a better person, basically.

Best wishes,

Annabelle

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

It could be worse, I guess.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. Dying - That's an obvious one. It's a common fear that plenty of people have. Sometimes I can forget that I'm going to die, but then sometimes it really freaks me out. I'm scared of dying in my sleep more that I am about dying accidentally in an accident. Which makes sleeping really scary, & it's sad because I love sleeping.
2. Infertility - I frequently forget to take my birth control at the same time every day & I'm pretty sure that only matters if you're having sex (& I'm not) BUT STILL, I have this fear that my misuse of those pills are making me sterile. I'm also just scared that it has nothing to do with birth control pills & I just won't be able to have kids. I'm not even sure if I want to have kids (You know the old saying "the dumb ones procreate because the smart ones know better" I just haven't figured out which kind of person I am yet), but I want to have the ability to have them. Totally irrational because I could have adopted children. But still.
3. Abusive relationship - I'm scared that I will marry a horrible person. I'm scared that I won't be able to see how terrible he is because I'll be so delusional with love. I'm scared that I'll marry a man like my father. I'm scared I'll never find a man who respects me. I'm scared that I'll never find a man.




Best wishes,
Annabelle

On being productive

I knitted a thing. It looks like this.

It's a washcloth.

I also folded up this paper Rapunzel for my boss's daughter's birthday. It's kinda janky, but it took me forever.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

ran·dom

   [ran-duhm] 

adjective

1.

proceeding, made, or occurring without definite aim, reason,or pattern: the random selection of numbers.

2.

Statistics . of or characterizing a process of selection in which each item of a set has an equal probability of beingchosen.

3.

Building Trades .

a.

(of building materials) lacking uniformity of dimensions:random shingles.

b.

(of ashlar) laid without continuous courses.

c.

constructed or applied without regularity: random bond.

4.

Informal .

a.

unknown, unidentified, or out of place: A couple of random guys showed up at the party.

b.

odd and unpredictable in an amusing way: my totally random life.

1. I'm grumpy in the morning
2. I have taken 5 semesters of Spanish & the only thing I remember is the USA's pledge of allegiance
3. Never broken a bone
4. I tend to arrive late
5. I'm super obsessed with pop culture
6. My hair is already turning gray
7. Purple is my least favorite color
8. I am approximately 145 lbs overweight
9. I know how to read
10. I would not classify myself as a religious person
11. None of my "relationships" have lasted longer than 5 months
12. I rarely remember to wear an apron, even though I love everything about aprons (They are pretty! They keep your clothes clean! When you wear one, it usually means there is food!)
13. I like to argue, more importantly, I like to prove other people wrong
14. I know how to ride a bicycle
15. Sometimes I forget my wallet at home
16. I have caused 3 car accidents
17. I twirl my hair around my finger when I'm nervous or distracted
18. I love to play Phase 10 and Uno
19. My FAVORITE thing (& I like a lot of stuff so you can take that at face value) is when animal people go on talk shows because it just further proves that celebrities are idiots too
20. I change my mind quite a bit, but who doesn't?

Best wishes,
Annabelle

There is always always always something to be thankful for

For example,

• Free wi-fi at work
• Joe Manganiello's IMdb page
• Joe Manganiello youtube videos

Today has been inconsequential

I'm still really offended that I don't have an invitation to that guy's blog. I mean, maybe everything's not about me & he actually turned off his blog for a while, just to spend some time living life, BUT REALLY COME ON. More likely, when he was notified that I posted a comment to one of his posts, he clicked on my blog, not expecting much. Then he was bombarded by my weirdness. Sad sad sad.

In related news, there's this guy from the youtubes that I just really think is great. Mike Falzone. & he's written a book! Which is so awesome because I love books!

It's fine

"i'm not ready for a relationship right now"

Why does anybody even say this anymore? Who does it fool? I hope that everybody is on the same page here. That statement means that the other person does not want you. They are totally ready for a relationship, just not with you.

Here's what should have been said:

“I want to date someone who isn’t you.”

“Look, I just got out of a long-term relationship and I kind of need to slut it up for a while.”

“Work’s been hell lately and I think I could probably bang somebody way hotter.”

“Please leave me alone, you terribly clueless doting weirdo.”

-Calling Bullshit on: I'm Not Ready For A Relationship Right Now

He says: “I don’t know what I want.”

He means: I know exactly what I want and it’s not you. Or: I honestly don’t know what I want and have an extremely difficult time expressing and explaining my emotions to others. Or: I’m torn between you and another girl I possibly want more.

-Truth: He's Just Not That Into You

I mean, okay, that's totally fine if you don't want to be in a relationship with me. About 100% of the people I currently know, don't want to be in a relationship with me  & I still really really like around 75% of them. I don't need anyone to tell me what they think I want to hear.



I don't even know why this is affecting me.  But now I can't listen to Motion City without feeling queasy.

I can tell when I'm extra emotional

Because I always get a whopping zit on my chin. Or my forehead. Or my cheek. This time's my chin though.

I just ugly cried to this video.

The funniest thing happened tonight. MJ & I went out to eat with one of her friends (he is actually one of my friends too) & after we had finished our dinner, we all went to our cars. He drives a little neon now & he had unlocked his car with his key then we just stood around & said our goodbyes for a few minutes. MJ & I go to get in my car because we're going to go to yogurttime. We get in & rave about how much we like the guy & then Melissa turns to look out the window at him, she busts out laughing. He had gotten into his car and was looking around for his key to start the ignition. It was still in his door!!!

"You've been on cloud 9 for so long, but it can't always be so sweet & sometimes you need to realize that ... Face the facts of life and know that this is just a lesson of life."
I learn this simple fact over and over again.