I always have these weird dreams and I feel like I can't tell people them because nobody really cares about listening to your dreams. They don't really have a purpose.
I keep having dreams that this dude I'm crushing on hardcore reciprocates feelings. It's just cruel. I also have repeat dreams where I'm holding a dude's hand (not the crush) & he keeps trying to makeout, but I'm like no, dude just want to hold your hand.
It's dumb.
Sunday, August 19
Friday, August 17
Nostalgia
I was going through my pictures the other day when I came across this one.
Something I've never told anyone: My star tattoo reminds me of him. That's kind of why I got it. I remember first seeing his tattoos and thinking, dang this is the coolest person I will ever meet. My tattoo is like a reminder to meet someone else greater than or equal to as cool and to try really hard to marry them. Not really, but sort of.
He always had excellent tastes in movies, books, and especially music. I cannot listen to Glycerine or Oleander without thinking of him. And he always dressed so fly. Plus he was always incredibly nice to me, even though he could have totally been one of those guys that didn't give anyone except hotties the time of day. I definitely thought I was in love with him, but I was in love with a lot of dudes when I was in high school so there's probably no merit to that.
This is starting to sound like he died, but no. He's (hopefully)happily married and there is no doubt in my mind that I will never see him again. It makes me kind of sad, but that's just how it should be. I think if I saw him again, it would mess up my thought movies(Nerdist reference!).
It's a nice picture.
Friday, August 10
Thursday, August 9
The thing about Southern boys
I'm talking stereotypical Southern boys who drive trucks and work in a factory doing some sort of manual labor. The ones who are patriotic to a fault. The ones who have a deep tan from working in the sun & muscles to go along with it.
Well my grandmother's 20 yr old next door neighbor is absolutely one of them. I basically grew up with the guy because I used to visit my grandparents so often when I was a kid. We didn't stay close when I moved though & I never really see him anymore except in passing. Yesterday he happened to be outside when I was and he came over & spoke to me. He asked about everybody in the family individually and he gave an easy smile when I responded. I noticed how comfortable he is in his own skin, as he was casually leaning against my Ford. That strikes me as a Southern boy trait, too. Confidence.
So of course after I had that little chat with my long lost childhood friend, I had to stalk him on facebook a little bit.
I wasn't really shocked at what I found. Like I said, I already knew how stereotypical he was. It was just unsettling how charming he was in person(I actually think he might've been extra charming because he wanted to get my cousins number) & how hostile he is on fb. He is a proud gay-bashing Conservative and uses the word Liberal like it's vulgar. In my experience, that's kinda the stereotypical Southern boy, too.
I don't know what to think about that. I mean, on the one hand, I don't agree with his beliefs at all. On the other hand, he's not scared of who will judge him so he states his opinion freely.
I think about my own beliefs a lot and I don't know if I would be willing to put myself out there to be judged like that. Like, now that I know about this, I won't be putting my legalize love bumper sticker on my car any time soon. I know that I should stand up for what I believe in, but I also think I don't want to be victim to a hate crime. That's just my own problems though. Honestly, my neighbor is not the only reason I won't put the bumper sticker on there. My papaw already said I can't put any bumper stickers on his car.
Even still, I don't hate the guy(my grandmother's next door neighbor). There would be never be a time where we would get into it about religion or politics because I would die before I would go through that. I don't know. It's just really hard for me to hate people that I know personally. I can hate a public figure all day long, but when it comes down to people I come face to face with in my daily life, I try to find something good about them.
When I was younger, I used to imagine people being divided up into buckets. Like por ejemplo if the world was divided into Liberal & Conservative, would I choose to be in the bucket with my family (Mostly Conservatives) or would I choose to be in the Liberal bucket with the people I share a few beliefs with. Would I even want to be associated with any bucket? Because they both have people that suck.
Well my grandmother's 20 yr old next door neighbor is absolutely one of them. I basically grew up with the guy because I used to visit my grandparents so often when I was a kid. We didn't stay close when I moved though & I never really see him anymore except in passing. Yesterday he happened to be outside when I was and he came over & spoke to me. He asked about everybody in the family individually and he gave an easy smile when I responded. I noticed how comfortable he is in his own skin, as he was casually leaning against my Ford. That strikes me as a Southern boy trait, too. Confidence.
So of course after I had that little chat with my long lost childhood friend, I had to stalk him on facebook a little bit.
I wasn't really shocked at what I found. Like I said, I already knew how stereotypical he was. It was just unsettling how charming he was in person(I actually think he might've been extra charming because he wanted to get my cousins number) & how hostile he is on fb. He is a proud gay-bashing Conservative and uses the word Liberal like it's vulgar. In my experience, that's kinda the stereotypical Southern boy, too.
I don't know what to think about that. I mean, on the one hand, I don't agree with his beliefs at all. On the other hand, he's not scared of who will judge him so he states his opinion freely.
I think about my own beliefs a lot and I don't know if I would be willing to put myself out there to be judged like that. Like, now that I know about this, I won't be putting my legalize love bumper sticker on my car any time soon. I know that I should stand up for what I believe in, but I also think I don't want to be victim to a hate crime. That's just my own problems though. Honestly, my neighbor is not the only reason I won't put the bumper sticker on there. My papaw already said I can't put any bumper stickers on his car.
Even still, I don't hate the guy(my grandmother's next door neighbor). There would be never be a time where we would get into it about religion or politics because I would die before I would go through that. I don't know. It's just really hard for me to hate people that I know personally. I can hate a public figure all day long, but when it comes down to people I come face to face with in my daily life, I try to find something good about them.
When I was younger, I used to imagine people being divided up into buckets. Like por ejemplo if the world was divided into Liberal & Conservative, would I choose to be in the bucket with my family (Mostly Conservatives) or would I choose to be in the Liberal bucket with the people I share a few beliefs with. Would I even want to be associated with any bucket? Because they both have people that suck.
Tuesday, August 7
Excel
Today I tried to learn how to make a timesheet using excel that add all the numbers together by itself, but oh my gerd it was entirely too much like programming & I had a little anxiety attack about next semester because I have an actual programming class & I just barely scraped by in the prereq for that class. What am I doing thinking I can minor in CIS?!? Math sucks!
Monday, August 6
necessary
I hate that word because I'm always unsure of how to spell it.
Here's a thing that scared the shit out of me & now I'm taking down all the photos
Okay maybe not all the photos. It talks about shutting down pinterest boards, too... I don't know if I can handle that though. I think I will just wait that one out. It really pisses me off that people actually give a shit about copyrights, but that doesn't mean that I'm right about being pissed off. I've never liked having to put references on school papers, either. I do understand that photographers want to get paid for their photos. It just seems so douche baggy.
I think it's funny (weird, not 'haha') that even if a picture is of YOU, the picture belongs strictly to the photographer & is only to be used by the photographer, in anyway they see fit. You have to, like, ask permission to use a picture of your own self, taken by somebody else. It's absolutely creepy (& that's why paparazzi's aren't illegal!!!), but that's how I understand it works.
Okay another thing, when an image gets so famous, people are going to recognize the image, not the author. That is just how it works. Someone created every single image ever. It's impossible to remember the creator of every single image.
Here's a thing that scared the shit out of me & now I'm taking down all the photos
Okay maybe not all the photos. It talks about shutting down pinterest boards, too... I don't know if I can handle that though. I think I will just wait that one out. It really pisses me off that people actually give a shit about copyrights, but that doesn't mean that I'm right about being pissed off. I've never liked having to put references on school papers, either. I do understand that photographers want to get paid for their photos. It just seems so douche baggy.
I think it's funny (weird, not 'haha') that even if a picture is of YOU, the picture belongs strictly to the photographer & is only to be used by the photographer, in anyway they see fit. You have to, like, ask permission to use a picture of your own self, taken by somebody else. It's absolutely creepy (& that's why paparazzi's aren't illegal!!!), but that's how I understand it works.
Okay another thing, when an image gets so famous, people are going to recognize the image, not the author. That is just how it works. Someone created every single image ever. It's impossible to remember the creator of every single image.
Saturday, August 4
Complacency
I am incredibly itchy right now. It is unbearable. I have no idea why my whole body itches. I want to take a benadryl so I can just go to sleep & forget about it, but I don't have any. Also, I'm hesitant to take one right now because I don't want to fall into a Rip VanWinkle type slumber. I've got shit to do tomorrow.
I went to Clairey D's surprise birthday party yesterday. She cried & it was adorable. Kinda made me tear up too. Her friends are totally cool and they were super nice.
One of them reminded me of Anna Kendrick. (To Claire: (because you support me in all my endeavors & I know you'll read this post) It's Catelin. (What a weird way to spell that. I looked up how to spell her name from the facebooks.) She reminds me of Anna Kendrick.)
Earlier today, I created a facebook event thing about my birthday. It gives me a lot of anxiety, but way less anxiety than if I had actually phoned each person and asked them to come. I only invited 4 dudes out of 12 people & honestly, I think only one will show up. Right before I clicked the create event button, I almost texted the one guy asking if he would be uncomfortable being the only guy & then I was like 'WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, SELF? You don't care about other peoples feelings! It's a day celebrating you & that's all that matters!' so I decided against asking him. I think he'll be okay.
But anyway, back to what I was saying about anxiety, I kind of hate the fact that society (me) has resorted to facebook as a reasonable form of social interaction because it's so impersonal, but I just hate phoning people that I normally only communicate with through text. It's a never-ending battle. Also, getting a notification that somebody is attending your event, is like, the most satisfying. I already have 6 yeses (? I don't know how to plural yes.) & it's only been about 5 hours since I posted. I made reservations for seven people SO someone else better accept. Rosh hasn't yet. She will though, or I'll kick her butt.
All of this turmoil going on in the world just deepens my belief that "it's just not that serious." Is that insensitive? I really respect the idea of living your live day by day, like each one is your last, & making the most of everything because this is the only life you've got. I would love to live that way. I desire to live that way. I don't though. I don't keep my room clean even though it would make me happier to be organized, I'm not conscious of my health, I don't jump at chances. I don't know. I'm probably living a strange combination of the two lifestyles. I'm not very good at looking at my own life & seeing it how it really is. In recent years, I've kind of started viewing myself through blinders, only seeing and remembering things from my life that I'm proud of. When I look in the mirror, the wobbly bits are blurrier and out of focus, but my face always looks good. I like my facial expressions and I hone in on them when I look at myself. I think about how important I am to the universe in lieu of the fact that I am too lazy to get to work on time. I'm not really going anywhere with this point.
I've been on a YA dystopia kick lately. I started reading Lauren Oliver's Delirium today & I already love it. It's about a time in the future where they cure people of the disease "amor deliria nervosa" or the artist formerly know as "love. It's good, but since all of this gay marriage stuff is all up in my social media, all I can think about while reading is, "omg mit romney became prez & kicked out the gays" because gay has not been addressed in the book. Of course, I'm only on page 51 so who knows what will happen in the next 400 pages.
I went to Clairey D's surprise birthday party yesterday. She cried & it was adorable. Kinda made me tear up too. Her friends are totally cool and they were super nice.
Earlier today, I created a facebook event thing about my birthday. It gives me a lot of anxiety, but way less anxiety than if I had actually phoned each person and asked them to come. I only invited 4 dudes out of 12 people & honestly, I think only one will show up. Right before I clicked the create event button, I almost texted the one guy asking if he would be uncomfortable being the only guy & then I was like 'WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, SELF? You don't care about other peoples feelings! It's a day celebrating you & that's all that matters!' so I decided against asking him. I think he'll be okay.
But anyway, back to what I was saying about anxiety, I kind of hate the fact that society (me) has resorted to facebook as a reasonable form of social interaction because it's so impersonal, but I just hate phoning people that I normally only communicate with through text. It's a never-ending battle. Also, getting a notification that somebody is attending your event, is like, the most satisfying. I already have 6 yeses (? I don't know how to plural yes.) & it's only been about 5 hours since I posted. I made reservations for seven people SO someone else better accept. Rosh hasn't yet. She will though, or I'll kick her butt.
All of this turmoil going on in the world just deepens my belief that "it's just not that serious." Is that insensitive? I really respect the idea of living your live day by day, like each one is your last, & making the most of everything because this is the only life you've got. I would love to live that way. I desire to live that way. I don't though. I don't keep my room clean even though it would make me happier to be organized, I'm not conscious of my health, I don't jump at chances. I don't know. I'm probably living a strange combination of the two lifestyles. I'm not very good at looking at my own life & seeing it how it really is. In recent years, I've kind of started viewing myself through blinders, only seeing and remembering things from my life that I'm proud of. When I look in the mirror, the wobbly bits are blurrier and out of focus, but my face always looks good. I like my facial expressions and I hone in on them when I look at myself. I think about how important I am to the universe in lieu of the fact that I am too lazy to get to work on time. I'm not really going anywhere with this point.
I've been on a YA dystopia kick lately. I started reading Lauren Oliver's Delirium today & I already love it. It's about a time in the future where they cure people of the disease "amor deliria nervosa" or the artist formerly know as "love. It's good, but since all of this gay marriage stuff is all up in my social media, all I can think about while reading is, "omg mit romney became prez & kicked out the gays" because gay has not been addressed in the book. Of course, I'm only on page 51 so who knows what will happen in the next 400 pages.
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